As a therapist, I spend much of my time working with clients to process relationship issues, whether it’s with a romantic partner, a family member, a colleague or a friend. Relationship issues can come in all forms, but one that comes up often is how to set boundaries with people who we feel manipulated by.

In a book titled Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You, author Susan Forward reviews the topic of emotional blackmail. I have found this book to be a valuable resource in my work with clients, so I’m offering a multi-part blog series outlining some of the key points in the book.

What is emotional blackmail?

Emotional blackmail is a form of manipulation in which people who are close to us abuse their knowledge of our vulnerabilities to threaten us, either directly or indirectly. If they don’t get what they want, they will punish us in some way. Common examples may be withholding a resource (money, affection, information etc.), threatening to tell a secret or attaching conditions to something that they know is important to us.

Signs that you may be a target of emotional blackmail

You may be a target of emotional blackmail if important people in your life engage in the following behaviors:

Threaten to make your life difficult if you don’t do what they want
Threaten to end the relationship if you don’t do what they want
Tell you or imply that they will neglect, hurt themselves or become depressed if you don’t do what they want
Always want more, no matter how much you give
Regularly assume you will give in to them
Regularly ignore and discount your feelings and wants
Make promises that are contingent on your behavior and then rarely follow through
Consistently label you as selfish, bad, greedy, unfeeling or uncaring when you don’t give in to them
Shower you with approval when you give in to them and take it away when you don’t
Use money as a weapon to get their way

Stay tuned for the next edition in this blog series, where I’ll outline the most common approaches to emotional blackmail.

For more on this topic, I recommend picking up a copy of Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward, Ph.D. (1998).

If you think you may be experiencing emotional blackmail or may benefit from assistance setting healthy boundaries in your relationships, set up an appointment with me today. I can help.

According to John Gottman, a renowned researcher and couples therapist, couples endure an average of 6 years of relationship strain before seeking couples therapy. Six years!! Many people are under the impression that couples therapy is a last ditch effort to save their relationships. I often see couples who are seeking treatment once their relationship is in crisis. As a couples therapist, I have learned that it’s so much more difficult to heal a partnership after years of resentment and anger have built up. When couples come for a tune-up following some minor issues, the chances for a positive outcome are so much higher.

Here are 4 ways that seeking couples counseling before things get bad can benefit your relationship:

Make adjustments to communication patterns. All couples have communication patterns. I react this way, you respond like this, and so on. A skilled therapist can help to recognize patterns in how you and your partner interact with one another and offer feedback on alternative strategies when necessary.
Help to understand emotional triggers that influence how you react to one another. We all have emotional triggers. They are mostly caused by experiences within our family of origin or past relationships. Although we may be aware of some, it’s not uncommon to feel particularly reactive to certain words, behaviors, etc. and to feel confused about why we had such a strong response. Therapy can help to understand the reactions and feelings that come up at various times and learn how to tune in to what we’re really feeling.
Talk through issues with the help of a third party. Sometimes it helps to have a referee. Talking through difficult issues with a therapist present can help to ensure that everyone is accountable for their words and that you each get a chance to say your piece. A therapist can offer unbiased feedback and perspective that may help see things more clearly.
Get extra support as a couple. Couples go through very difficult times together, such as loss of a family member, financial stress, infertility and much more. Even if you and your partner are getting along just fine, going through a tough time can put extra strain on a relationship. It can be helpful to seek support together from someone who can help to manage some of the emotional burden.

Could your relationship benefit from a little extra TLC? Click here to make an appointment.