As a therapist, I spend much of my time working with clients to process relationship issues, whether it’s with a romantic partner, a family member, a colleague or a friend. Relationship issues can come in all forms, but one that comes up often is how to set boundaries with people who we feel manipulated by.

In a book titled Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You, author Susan Forward reviews the topic of emotional blackmail. I have found this book to be a valuable resource in my work with clients, so I’m offering a multi-part blog series outlining some of the key points in the book.

What is emotional blackmail?

Emotional blackmail is a form of manipulation in which people who are close to us abuse their knowledge of our vulnerabilities to threaten us, either directly or indirectly. If they don’t get what they want, they will punish us in some way. Common examples may be withholding a resource (money, affection, information etc.), threatening to tell a secret or attaching conditions to something that they know is important to us.

Signs that you may be a target of emotional blackmail

You may be a target of emotional blackmail if important people in your life engage in the following behaviors:

Threaten to make your life difficult if you don’t do what they want
Threaten to end the relationship if you don’t do what they want
Tell you or imply that they will neglect, hurt themselves or become depressed if you don’t do what they want
Always want more, no matter how much you give
Regularly assume you will give in to them
Regularly ignore and discount your feelings and wants
Make promises that are contingent on your behavior and then rarely follow through
Consistently label you as selfish, bad, greedy, unfeeling or uncaring when you don’t give in to them
Shower you with approval when you give in to them and take it away when you don’t
Use money as a weapon to get their way

Stay tuned for the next edition in this blog series, where I’ll outline the most common approaches to emotional blackmail.

For more on this topic, I recommend picking up a copy of Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward, Ph.D. (1998).

If you think you may be experiencing emotional blackmail or may benefit from assistance setting healthy boundaries in your relationships, set up an appointment with me today. I can help.