Introduction to Attachment Theory

If you’ve ever taken a Psych 101 class, you are most likely familiar with the Strange Situation experiment, in which researchers separated babies from their mothers for brief periods of time and observed their reactions. The research associated with this experiment resulted in what we now call Attachment Theory. 

Research on Attachment Theory indicates that the type of care that we receive from our caregivers during early infancy has a significant impact on how we relate and attach to people throughout our lives. If our caregivers are loving, reliable and responsive to our needs, we learn to be trusting of the world and of others. If our caregivers are unreliable, unresponsive and do not comfort us when we need to be soothed, we are likely to develop difficulty feeling safe and connected to others later in life. 

In The Power of Attachment, Diane Poole Heller explains that in the first year and a half of life, we lack the cognitive development to create a story out of our experiences. Heller notes that experiences are stored as “an amalgamation of pictures, feelings, events, colors and sensations that goes not into our conscious memory, but into our implicit memory, our “not conscious” memory”. Although most of us can’t access these very early memories, we may have a sense when they’re triggered. 

If you’re raised in a prosocial family in which you feel safe and cared for, “your brain prunes away some of the defensive parts of the brain that you’re born with, emphasizing the more relational aspects instead”, explain Heller. This allows you to feel less hypervigilant, always anticipating a threat. Growing up in an environment in which we can trust other people allows us to develop a secure attachment, in which we expect a sense of safety and responsiveness from others. However, if you grow up in an environment in which others cannot be trusted to care for us, the opposite happens. In order to respond to this danger, our threat response becomes exaggerated. 

“We all make adaptations as children to whatever relational environment we grow up in. All of that typically isn’t conscious but embedded in our bodies, so that’s how we relate to others-according to our implicit memory...which informs everything we think about the world”, says Heller. 

Heller identifies four different attachment styles; secure, avoidant, ambivalent and disorganized. To learn about your attachment style, take this quiz, developed by Dr. Poole Heller.

In this upcoming multi-part blog series, I will outline the differences between these attachment styles, how they are developed, and how regardless of what attachment style you currently have, you can work towards developing more secure attachment. 

To learn more about your own attachment style and how it affects your relationships, make an appointment today.

Written by: Kate Loewenstein, LCSW

4 Tips for Telehealth Etiquette

Most therapists transitioned their work with clients entirely over to telehealth sessions several months ago. For many, myself included, offering telehealth was a first time experience, and we were forced to learn on the job. Personally, I’ve been pleasantly surprised. Although I certainly prefer to interact with the people I work with in person, I am encouraged that the connection has not been lost through telehealth.

Clients have had to be flexible as well, as they have had to get used to seeing their therapist through a screen rather than face- to-face at an office. I’m grateful that the majority of my clients have not reported feeling that their treatment has been disrupted by this change. 

Here are my recommendations for following telehealth etiquette and making sure that you get the most out of your teletherapy appointment:

1. Choose a place to take your video call where you have privacy and limited noise. It's important for your provider to know your privacy is protected and you will get more out of the appointment if you limit outside distractions. This may include pets, depending on their behavior. 

2. Dress the way you would for an in-office appointment. Even though many of us may be sitting around in our bathrobes all day, don't show up to your telehealth session dressed in a manner that is too informal. You don't have to look professional, but try not to wear anything that you wouldn't wear out of the house.

3. Alcohol and drug use are not permitted during telehealth sessions. As many of us have gotten used to having Zoom happy hours with family and friends, it may feel like second nature to sit down for your teletherapy session with a glass of wine. As with in-office appointments, clients must not be under the influence in order to get the most out of their appointment, as well as to meet ethical guidelines.

4. Consider your own boundaries. As therapists, it's important to client treatment and to the relationship that we only have information about our clients that they choose to share with us. During a video session, we have insight into the intimate details of your home. Make sure that you are choosing a location for the call that protects your privacy and does not reveal information that you aren't comfortable sharing. 

To get started with therapy, make an appointment today. 

Written by: Kate Loewenstein, LCSW

Living with your Parent(s) as an Adult: Four Survival Tips

Since sheltering in place, many adults have moved back in with their parents. Maybe you graduated college and moved back in, lost a job and returned to save money, or came to take care of parents who are immune-compromised. 

Or, perhaps you’re one of the many adults who were already living with their parents before the start of quarantine.

Whatever your circumstances, living with your parents as an adult can be tough. And quarantine means a lot more time together. At this point, even the most well-adjusted families are getting on each other’s last nerve.

Read on to learn how to set good boundaries that will keep all of you from losing your minds.

1. Set Physical / Spatial Boundaries

This is one of the biggest considerations for folks who are sheltering in place.

Now that you can’t leave to hang out at the library, coffee shop, or gym, you and your family may feel that you’re on top of one another.

My recommendations are as follows:

• Assert your boundaries. Make your statement calmly but firmly, and without smiling or laughing for best possible results. Here are some examples:

  • “Stop pinching my cheeks. I don’t like it and it hurts.” 

  • “Do not enter my room without knocking.” 

• Give realistic time frames, and stick to them! These let your family know what to expect and decrease likelihood of arguments. For instance:

  • “Please do not wake me up before 11 am.” 

  • “I need some alone time. Please do not bother me for the next hour.”

  • “Just a heads up, I’ll need at least 30 minutes in the bathroom.” 

• Be aware of specific circumstances / areas that trigger you, and avoid them when possible. For instance, there’s NOTHING I hate more than running into people in the kitchen, so I adjust accordingly. Dishes can wait.

• If you’re dying to get out of the house, offer to get groceries, walk the dog, or even just go sit in the car. While following CDC guidelines, of course. A brief break from everyone could do you good.

2. Set Emotional Boundaries

When you’re home, your parents have more opportunities to give you the third degree about your life, or too much info about theirs.

• Assert your boundaries! This might sound like: 

  • “I don’t want to talk about that right now.”

  • “I’m not going to share that with you.”

  • “This topic is stressing me out.”

  • “That information is private.” 

• Give them something else. If you don’t want to talk to them about your career, for instance, try talking to them about your most recent blog post, or a movie you just watched. They may just be trying to connect with you.

• Be Switzerland. If your family members try to put you in the middle (for instance, “Tell your father when he gets home…”) politely say, “You’ll have to give him that message yourself.” If they want to detail their arguments and problems with you, set a limit there, too. Something like, “I know this is hard for you, but it’s also hard for me to be in the middle. Please find someone else to vent to.” 

3. Agree to Disagree

Just because someone starts an argument with you, does NOT mean you have to argue back. If you don’t fuel the fire, it’ll burn out more quickly.

• You guessed it! Assert your boundaries. Try one of these phrases:

  • “We’ll have to agree to disagree on that.”

  • “I don’t want to have this conversation. It’s not productive.” 

  • “Thank you for your feedback, I’ll consider it.” (Careful with this one… you want it to sound sincere, not sarcastic. Sarcasm is like throwing a log on the fire).

• State and implement consequences. If you’re feeling patient, give them a warning about what will happen if they don’t drop it. For example, “If you don’t stop talking to me about this, I’ll go to my room.” Then, follow through with exactly what you’ve said you’ll do. This will make them more likely to take you seriously in the future.

• Just leave. If you’ve told them a thousand times before this topic is off-limits, or if you’re just over it, don’t bother with a warning. Just go to your room or for a walk around the block (with a mask on, of course).

4. Find Compassion

This is a tough time for everyone. And even if it wasn’t, compassion is key to harmony in a home. 

• Self-compassion. If you lose your cool with your family, trust me: We’ve all been there. Give yourself a break. You’re only human.

• Compassion for your parents. As much as it may not feel like it at times, your parents are doing the best they can, and they’re probably well-meaning. Finding some empathy for them will help you feel better, too.

For support navigating family relationships and assistance setting firm  boundaries, make an appointment today. 

Written by: Rebecca Ogle, LCSW

4 Tips for Approaching Mother's Day if You Have a Strained Relationship with Mom

Mothers are portrayed in society as loving, selfless beings who nurture their children and build their identities around parenting, creating a nearly impossible standard for women to live up to. At a minimum, what we need from our mothers is to feel safe, cared for and unconditionally loved. If they are able to guide and teach us to communicate effectively, manage our emotions and master life skills in addition, we are among the fortunate.

But mothers are just human beings. Like anyone else, they are flawed, and some are not cut out for the job they were assigned. Many adults struggle with identifying how to navigate difficult relationships with their mothers that may be unhealthy, stressful or harmful. 

On a day when everyone else is celebrating and posting gratitudes towards their mothers, it can be so hard to know how to feel and how to respond when your relationship with your own mother is tense, or worse. 

Four ideas for how to handle Mother’s Day if you have a strained relationship with your mother:

1. Trust Your Gut.

It's important to approach Mother's Day in a way that feels comfortable to you. Rather than making a decision based on guilt or what you think you should do, follow your intuition and do what feels right. That may be a scaled down recognition of Mom, or no recognition at all. Try to approach yourself with compassion. Don't judge yourself. If you are feeling uncomfortable about reaching out to Mom this year, there is likely a valid reason. 

2. Keep it brief.

Send a quick text that says something general. "Happy Mother's Day" is more than enough. Keeping it short and sweet will prevent you from having to offer well-wishes that don't feel genuine. Sending a text will allow you to be more in control of any following communication if you want to avoid having a longer conversation.

3. Process your feelings.

Journal or talk to someone else you trust about why this Mother's Day is difficult. Thinking through feelings by talking them out or writing about them can help move uncomfortable energy through your body, rather than holding it in. 

4. Avoid social media.

Remember that people are posting their highlights reel on social media. The reality is that most relationships, particularly relationships with parents, are complicated. There will be many declarations of how wonderful everyone’s mother is, causing some to feel triggered and lonely. 

Our relationships with our parents are extremely formative and highly influential on how we view ourselves, relationships and the world. Therapy is a great place to unpack the impact of family relationships on how we show up in the world as adults. For support navigating your relationships, make a telehealth appointment today.

Written by: Kate Loewenstein, LCSW

4 Tips for Improving Productivity While Working From Home

Although working from home has become much more common in recent years, the vast majority of professionals are not accustomed to working from home on a full-time basis. At times, it feels like there is less accountability and it can be hard to maintain motivation when you’ve been wearing the same sweatpants for weeks on end. As a result, many are struggling to maintain the same level of productivity. 

If this sounds familiar, check out these four steps to be more efficient and get the most out of the time you spend working:

1. Identify a designated work space. 

As we are all cooped up inside our homes, it can start  to feel like the walls are closing in, especially for apartment dwellers with limited space. Despite this, setting up a specified work space area in your home can help create routine, helping support your mindset. I.e. when I’m sitting at the kitchen table, I’m at work. When I’m sitting on the couch, I’m relaxing. Even if it’s only a different spot in the same room, creating a comfortable work area will allow you to train your brain to focus while you’re sitting there. 

2. Break down your task list into smaller chunks.

When  your to-do list seems insurmountable and you're having trouble focusing, it can help to break things down into more manageable pieces that feel more approachable. Rather than looking at a huge list and feeling totally overwhelmed, choose one task, or even the first step or two of completing a big project, and make a decision to focus on that. Once you finish that piece, you can move on to the next step. Focus on one thing at a time, rather than trying to work on multiple projects at once. 

3. Specify a period of time that you will focus on work. 

Identify the amount of time that you are able to stay totally focused. This will vary for everyone. Some will struggle to focus longer than 20 minutes, while others may be able to commit to an hour or more. One isn’t better than the other, you just have to know what works for you. Once you identify how long you are able to sustain attention, set an alarm on your phone so that you don't have to keep an eye on the time. Make a rule that for the next X number of minutes, you are only going to focus on the task at hand. After the alarm goes off, take a short break and then re-set your alarm to dive back in.

4. Minimize distractions.

Once you’ve made your “rule” that you are going to focus on a specific project for a set amount of time, your job is to give that project your undivided attention. Turn off notifications on your phone and computer. Close out tabs. Use the restroom beforehand, grab your coffee and commit to doing nothing other than work. Once your alarm goes off, then it’s time to grab a snack, move around or check email. Not before!

If you have found yourself struggling with all of the recent changes that life has thrown at us, whether related to work or not, reach out for support. Make a telehealth appointment today. 

Written by: Kate Loewenstein, LCSW

Why you Shouldn't Feel Guilty About Your Stress During the Pandemic

Last summer, I wrote a blog about comparative suffering, a term coined by Dr. Brene Brown. Comparative suffering is when we compare our own emotional pain with that of others, and then use that to invalidate our own experiences. This is an issue that comes up with regularity in my work with clients, and it’s become even more present recently.

Many of the people I see in therapy are experiencing some type of life stress or emotional pain. More recently, clients are struggling in different ways as we all learn how to weather the storm of this pandemic. Some are struggling with isolation and loneliness, while others have faced job changes that have led to new financial strain. At the very least, nearly all of us are bored and missing the little things that we used to take for granted. 

People regularly express a sense of shame that they aren’t more grateful, acknowledging that others have it worse. They ask themselves how they can feel so badly all the time when they have a nice home, a loving family, a good job, etc.. Since this pandemic started, clients have admonished their own sadness and anxiety with a new type of shame, noting that they should be feeling grateful that they are still employed, that they aren’t sick or that they can avoid putting their health at risk by working from home.

I am often in the position of reassuring my clients that their feelings are valid. Yes, others may be experiencing life circumstances that would traditionally be considered “worse”, but the boredom, fear and uncertainty of this strange time is real. Regardless of how much privilege you have, this is all really hard. 

In her book Rising Strong, Dr. Brown notes “Yes, perspective is critical. But I’m a firm believer that complaining is okay as long as we piss and moan with a little perspective. Hurt is hurt, and every time we honor our own struggle and the struggles of others by responding with empathy and compassion, the healing that results affects all of us.”

I couldn’t agree more. All pain is valid and worthy of acknowledgement. Perspective is necessary in all situations. Drop your shame and guilt and seek some support.

For assistance in managing stress related to the global pandemic, make a telehealth appointment with me today.

4 Steps for Maintaining Your Pre-Pandemic Momentum

Since we all began sheltering in place, many of the people I work with have expressed a sense of frustration that they are backsliding on their progress. Maybe your depression was just starting to lift, and now you’re feeling isolated and trapped again. You were just starting to apply for jobs, and now there aren’t any. Or maybe you had just gotten up the guts to start dating, and now you aren’t allowed to meet anyone new. Change takes time and can often feel like a painful process. For many who were just starting to benefit from the fruits of their labor, this adjustment has felt like a giant slap in the face. 

If you can relate, consider these four tools to help maintain your momentum.

1. Challenge your all-or-nothing thinking. - We all tend to engage in all-or-nothing thinking at times. When we’re feeling down, this type of distorted thought is more common, causing us to struggle to see the gray area between where we wanted to be and the worst case scenario. For many of us, the goals we were working towards have gotten sidelined or delayed, but this doesn’t mean they have come to a screeching halt, or that the progress we have already made doesn’t matter. Just because you can’t find a job to apply for today doesn’t mean you’ll be stuck in your current position forever. Take an honest look at how you’re thinking about your goals and try to look for the gray area. If you’re having trouble finding it on your own, ask someone you trust to help. Sometimes it’s hard to get out of our own heads. 

2. Find creative ways to keep working towards your goals.- Your original plan may not be accessible right now, but that doesn’t mean your goals have to be entirely on hold. Use your creativity to brainstorm less obvious action steps. Instead of applying for new jobs, take an online course so that your credentials stand out once the job market opens back up. Instead of giving up on a relationship, keep working on building your self-esteem so that you can show up as the best version of yourself once you’re able to meet someone for drinks down the road.

3. Allow yourself to grieve your expectations.- If you’ve been working hard on yourself and your goals, whether in therapy or on your own, and you were just starting to see some results,a global pandemic can feel like a total gut punch. It’s not fair, it shouldn’t have to be this hard, and the process of personal growth can feel exhausting. It’s okay to acknowledge that you feel defeated and that this unexpected change feels like a loss in so many ways. Your feelings are valid.

4. Remember, this is temporary.- As shelter in place orders continue to get extended and uncertainty remains about when this will all blow over, it can start to feel like the walls are closing in. Spending so much time in our homes, isolated, prohibited from seeing the people we love and doing the things we enjoy is really hard. Many of us are feeling trapped. Just remember, this isn’t permanent. Things will go back to normal, or some version of it, eventually. Don’t lose sight of the light at the end of tunnel. 

If you’re feeling frustrated, lost or stuck, make a telehealth appointment with me today. 

Written by: Kate Loewenstein

5 Tips for Self-Care While Practicing Social Distancing

This is an incredibly strange moment in time. We are all forging unchartered waters. We’re more isolated, out of our routines and uncertain about the future. Now more than ever, it’s incredibly important to pay extra attention to self-care in order to maintain our physical and mental health. 

Check out my 5 tips for self-care while practicing social distancing:

1. Stay Present-There is so much uncertainty right now and information is changing constantly. It would be so easy to let anxiety spiral and start worrying about the “what ifs”. But we don’t know what is going to happen next and worrying won’t help prepare. Focus on what is right in front of you and what is happening today. When tomorrow comes, address it then. Control what you can control and try to let go of the rest.

2. Manage Exposure to News- There is a finite amount of information available at all times, so watching endless news coverage and constantly scrolling Twitter isn’t going to make us more informed. Make a decision about how you want to consume news, set a limit on how many times a day you check and choose one or two sources that you will rely on. Try to stick with your plan to avoid getting overwhelmed. 

3. Move Your Body- Exercise is always important for mental health, but now more than ever we need to use movement to change the energy in our bodies and our spaces. It can be more difficult to do from home but there are plenty of ways to prioritize movement. Stretch, do Youtube videos, create your own home workout or go for walks outside. 

4. Stay Connected- By necessity, we are all very physically isolated right now, particularly those living alone. Human beings needs social connection and isolation can be dangerous. This is a great time to take advantage of technology to stay connected with friends and family. Use Facetime or Skype, tune in to a live streaming exercise class or virtual classroom. Get some live face to face interactions, even if it has to be behind a screen. 

5. Breathe- Although it may seem very challenging, we all need to stay grounded right now. Using your breath to regulate anxiety is one of the most effective ways to stay centered. Check out a free meditation app or do some freestyle deep breathing on your own. When you notice yourself starting to feel overwhelmed, take five minutes to sit down and focus on the rhythm of your breath.

For extra support during this difficult time, schedule a telehealth session with me today.

A Guide to Setting Your New Year's Resolutions

Change can happen in an instant. Every little choice we make throughout the day moves us closer to or further away from our goals. But for many, it’s easier to start on Monday. Or next month. Or on January 1st. The beginning of a new year (and a new decade!) feels like a fresh start, which is just one of the many reasons that setting New Year’s resolutions is such a popular tradition. 

I created this guide, which is in no way comprehensive, to help anyone who may be stumped setting their resolutions this year. I encourage us all to think about our behavior, how we feel and how we show up in the world. What do you want more of? What do you want to be different?

Here are a few ideas to help you brainstorm:

Mental & Physical Health

• Eat more fruit & veggies, less red meat & processed food

• Start a new exercise routine

• Schedule a physical with your primary care doctor, see your dentist, get your eyes checked

• Start flossing

• Drink more water, fewer sugary drinks

• Start attending therapy

• Start a regular meditation practice 

• Create a better sleep routine

Financial Wellness

• Make a plan to start paying down debt

• Open a savings account and start making regular deposits

• Contribute to your retirement plan

• Meet with a credit counselor or a financial planner

• Create a budget that you can stick to

• Cancel automatic deductions for subscriptions you don’t need

Personal Growth

• Start a regular gratitude practice

• Begin journaling

• Face one of your fears and start taking small steps to conquer it

• Do something you’ve never done before, extra points if it’s outside of your comfort zone

• Spend some time alone, in silence

• Think about your 5 year plan and start taking action steps

• Spend less time on your phone

Relationships

• Apologize to someone

• Be the first one to reach out to someone you’ve lost contact with

• Learn to say “no” and not to apologize for it

• Start setting more healthy boundaries

• Tell someone how you feel, ask for what you need, and be direct

• End relationships that you’ve outgrown or where you’re being taken advantage of

• Take a risk and ask someone out

• Be vulnerable with someone

Recreation

• Make having fun a priority

• Try out a new hobby, even if you don’t know yet if you’ll like it

• Travel somewhere you’ve never been before

• Schedule time to spend with people who make you happy

• Explore the city you live in

• Take a class or learn a new skill

If improving your emotional health, relationships or habits is one of your goals for the new year, schedule an appointment with me today. I can help you  make 2020 your best year yet!

Managing Holiday Sadness

The holiday season is often presented as a sparkly, magical time. For some, it is. But for many people out there, the holidays can be difficult, bringing up a lot of painful issues. 

Spending time with family can be wonderful, but it can also be really hard. As our first and primary attachment figures for many years of our lives, families trigger so many emotions in all of us. For many people, spending time with family brings up distressing feelings.

If you fall into any of these categories, it’s important to know that you aren’t alone:

• Choosing not to spend the holidays with your family because it’s emotionally painful to be with them

• Estranged from your family, either by your choice or theirs

• Feeling sad rather than joyful because you’re grieving; a death, a relationship, a pregnancy loss

• Worried that someone in your family will be using substances or have a mental health crisis that will create stress, concern and embarrassment for you or other people in your family

• Dreading answering questions about what you’re doing for the holidays because you’re doing something non-traditional or spending them alone

• Choosing not to spend the holidays with your family because they don’t accept a part(s) of your identity

• Unable to spend the holidays with people you love because of distance or other obligations

• Feeling lonely

• Experiencing financial stress related to purchasing gifts or holiday travel

• Dreading certain topics that you know will come up

• Experiencing a lot of negative anticipation about seeing certain family members

Despite what commercials and social media might suggest, you aren’t the only one feeling this way. Just remember, the holidays are just another day in the year. We assign a lot of meaning to them for religious and cultural reasons, but they don’t need to be more significant than any other day on the calendar. Take care of yourselves, set boundaries, say “no” when something doesn’t feel right to you. 

If you need extra support navigating family relationships, make an appointment with me today.