Throughout this blog series, we have been exploring the various attachment styles identified by Diane Poole Heller in her book The Power of Attachment. Until now, the 3 styles of attachment that we have outlined- secure, ambivalent and avoidant- have been characterized by fairly predictable behavior patterns and perhaps may be somewhat clear to identify in ourselves and others. This next attachment style is much more complex.
Disorganized attachment is just that- disorganized. It can be unpredictable, sometimes presenting as either ambivalent or avoidant attachment, or a combination of both. Disorganized attachment is developed as a result of having caregivers who were too scary too much of the time, often as a result of their own trauma history or abusive behavior. Children who are raised in this type of environment do not learn how to self-soothe or manage their own distress, often causing them to act out their emotions in ways that can be viewed as disruptive.
When parents are a source of danger, children have nowhere to turn. It’s horribly sad, and it’s also very confusing on a physiological level. “In disorganized attachment, we have two biological instincts at odds with each other: We’re oriented toward survival, but we also need our caregivers to help us with that. The attachment system is trying to connect with the parents, but then the survival instinct that fears the parent kicks in and shuts it all down. This sets up an impossible situation for infants because they’re completely dependent on their parents for interactive regulation, not to mention their basic safety,” writes Heller.
Heller notes that when parents are chronically distressed, children end up spending much of their time in either the energy-expending hyperarousal state of fight or flight, or the energy-saving shut down state that may appear like chronic disengagement. Not surprisingly, these children do not learn how to manage their own difficult emotions, and often struggle socially. They may experience low motivation, poor impulse control that can often look like acting out, social disconnection, low comprehension and under performance in school. As adults, those with a disorganized attachment style may find it to be very difficult to create and sustain stable intimate relationships in which we feel safe, due to chronic emotional dysregulation.
Ambivalent and avoidant attachment are developed as a result of insufficient caregiving. For people with a disorganized attachment style, their experiences with caregivers went beyond insufficient, often falling into the categories of abuse and/or neglect. To learn more about your own attachment style and work towards becoming more securely attached, check out The Power of Attachment and make an appointment with a therapist today.
Written by: Kate Loewenstein, LCSW